In the past two years it seems as though an invisible shield has sprung up between me and my mother. It is a barrier that I have built but that I want so badly to tear down. My rejection of the religion she intended for me to love is to blame for all of this. Every concept I cast off adds a brick to the blockade between us. For so long my brain has been in chaos over doing what I want or doing what will make my mother happy. I need her to be okay with me being me. I need to feel my mothers wholehearted pride but I can’t be a part of her faith. How can my mom and I stay close when our values separate us?
I need to begin by explaining why I feel so strongly about removing myself from my religion. I have studied the Torah in school for years and years and I am quite fluent in the basis of my religion. I am aware that women are intended to be treated very differently than men, that we are supposed to feel superior to other religions, and that love is not a freedom allowed to all. To me, the idea that people can actually agree with that stuff is haunting. Even if I believed in the Jewish god, I would want no part in this religion. How could I stand on a line to heaven while there were people being punished for their natural sexual desire to their own gender? Not only do I reject religion but I despise it.
I wish I could leave all my religious baggage behind and I wish I could be open about my beliefs, but I can't. This is because I have a really cool mom. She is so openly loving and caring. She’s basically my best friend. As I grow and change being best friends becomes more and more difficult. She makes it so hard for me to want to disobey her, which only makes things worse. We are often angry with each other. I am angry with her for expecting things from me that I don’t want to be and she is angry with me for some of the choices I am making.
My mom grew up totally secular. She was a 70’s kid and a complete hippie. I love hearing about her memories and thoughts from back then because I feel so connected to the younger version of my mom. I think it was her background that made her a less conventional religious mom. She allowed me freedom of thought, which was something many of my friends never understood. She and I both know that her downfall in raising me to be religious were these parenting methods. I was raised to be a freethinker and to contemplate knowledge before assuming its reality.
When I was younger I would go clothes shopping with my mom. We would have so much fun together. She would pick out things for me to try on and I would pick things out for her. I haven't been shopping with her in a very long time. There are really strict rules regarding dress for women, in Orthodox Judaism, including: wearing skirts that covered one's knees and shirts that covered the elbows and came up to the collarbone area. I have decided to stop following these rules. I feel like by following these rules I am supporting a sexist stance and that is something I really don't want to do. But, it means I can't go shopping with my mom.
The dilemma for me is whether to put my moms happiness above my own and above my moral conscience. My mom always says she wants me to be happy more than anything so I feel like that is something that can help me make this decision. For me to be happy, there is no way I can be religious anymore. I feel too strongly opposed to it all. But, I do not feel opposed to my mother. When I told her I would be changing the way I dressed she told me that she would need time to get used to it but eventually it will all be fine. The way my mother is able to shift her life around for me inspires me and encourages me. Right now, all I can do is wait. If my happiness is what makes my mother happy then I know I can choose the path I want to take. Because my mother loves me, I know she will readjust to whatever I become.
The key to maintaining our relationship is taking things slow and remaining patient. Rather than jumping straight out of my community I will take small steps. Hopefully each small step will allow my mother the chance to get comfortable with the place I will be at. I will try to value the good things in her community and be respectful of everything she loves. My mother was a lot like me when she was my age. I think that she understands me at a level I won't know until I have a daughter of my own. I think then I will be reassured that there is no difference in opinion or values that could separate the special bond between a mother and her daughter.